Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The Trouble with Spanx

When my sister was pregnant she said "It's so nice not to have to worry about sucking your stomach in all the time".
I replied with  "the only downside to that is afterwards you need to buy a pair of knickers to do it for you!" Thank god for Spanx ek? Underwear NOT for the faint-hearted!

So what exactly is my problem? Apart from the fact that they don't actually make you look like that (eyeballs picture to the left) and that those lovely long legs do not come with them, there is in fact a bigger problem I've recently uncovered...

I have to be honest, pre-children I never really knew about "magic knickers" In fact my only knowledge came at a wedding  when a colleague  announced to the table: she was "going to have to go to the bog and take these fucking awful knickers off before my legs turn blue."

But post-babies I have learnt two things about knickers:
1) You should always carry a spare pair if you are going to jump on a trampoline
2) There are certain outfits that require sturdier underwear.

Unfortunately, this leads me to the "trouble". Those outfits tend  to be lycra and clingy, just like the navy striped stretchy pencil skirt I bought from H&M,

These items, especially said new skirt,  normally need some skin to grip onto to hold them up, The smooth shiny surface of Spanx doesn't quite cut it in the "grip" department,

Now, personally I save Spanx for special occasions only. But on Sunday I thought "I want to wear that new skirt", and then I thought "sod it, live dangerously, team it with a pair spanx". Oh the irony!

So there I was, in my new skirt and a pair of Spanx taking the middle child round the supermarket (don't worry I accessorised them with a top and shoes).But this isn't the pretty picture I've just painted, because I wasn't just taking him round the supermarket, I was... carrying him, chasing him, dragging him, wrestling him and ingeniously placing him on unsuitable surfaces to keep him stationary whilst I tried to buy some essential items for lunch.

As I was man handling middle child back into the car and restraining him in his car seat a very nice lady in a  land rover wound her window down and said "skirt". I instinctively reached for my left hip where my Lycra pencil skirt was resting on my thigh, just below where the Spanx started, I scowled through the car window at Middle child who was belting out the Thomas theme tune triumphantly.

The trouble with Spanx is not only that their smooth and shiny surface means they cause outer clothing to slip right off you  but also that has they have cut off your circulation and numbed your bottom half so you might not feel the draught as your massive, tummy sucking knickers are on display!


  1. Ha ha! Oh no! I was just thinking the other day that I needed some spanx, having second thoughts now!

    1. Don't let me put you off... On the positive side they are a great form of contraception!