Saturday, 31 March 2012

Lists (2)

This week I...

1. Sunglasses. 31 years old and they still make me feel "cooler"

2. Open air domestics - I've witnessed two this week. A chavvy mother chasing her chavvy mother through an extremely busy car park to hurl swear words at her, whilst her bewildered children followed narrowly avoiding being hit by cars. And...  A very posh couple arguing on the prom where the wife was repeatedly shouting "I'm an embarrassment?" at her cringing husband in her straight from finishing school shrill screech. For a nosey bugger like myself they were both fantastic!

3. This conversation between me and the FH: -
Him: I've decided what suit I'm getting for your brother's wedding?
Me: Oh yeah?
Him: Blue.
Me: Blue? BLUE??? What kind of blue?
Him: Not Trigger blue. Navy blue.
Me: Oh right yeah. I was SO thinking Trigger blue. Navy will be nice though.

4. Coffee cake

5. The baby's bronzed little face - factor 50 on and he turns Mahogany. Little rascal.

1. Pelican crossings that don't work. No lights. No peeps. It sends all 3 children into a frenzy and it's absolutely fucking impossible to get them across the road, especially as Fearless believes he is invincible.

2. That scream you do when you are really scared for your child's safety. Yes it is effective at scaring them senseless, so they will never do IT again, but when you do it unnecessarily, in public, you look like a bit of a tit.

3. Parents who call their children derogatory names. I know I am over sensitive and slightly very opinionated at times. But mean "name-calling" is just unnecessary. Life is hard enough as it is. At the park the other day I witnessed a Mum called her 2 year old a "dork" and a "duh-brain". Ok so it's not the "C" word (which I've heard) or calling them an "effing gay" because they cry when going to nursery (which I have also heard) but still... Not really going to help their self-esteem. Also parents who call their chubby babies "fatty" - In this society? Really? When everyone is so image obsessed? Is that child really going to make it to puberty without any weight issues? Come on people, share the hippy love!

4. Panic buyers. Have we not learnt the two simple rules yet: 1) Don't listen to the government, and...2) Panic buying just screws everyone over. I know, I'm wasting my time, no panic buyers will be reading this - they're all off down the shop stocking up on bread and milk because someone said it might snow next week!

5. The woman at playgroup* who has the longest, most shapely legs and is 8 months pregnant. She's probably never heard of swollen ankles and varicose veins. I hate her! And her leggings!

* Actually, shapely legged Mummy is a very nice, amiable and friendly person, but I am far too jealous of her to be rational!

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A tale of two bombers.

I was all set to write a blog post about the sleepy little seaside town in which I live, but the national press beat me to it... TWICE!

Our little town is very creative; art galleries reign supreme here! I like to think of it as the St Ives of the north.

But being a quirky little town it creates some quirky people - well that's being polite - most of us are bonkers!

We have good bonkers and we have bad bonkers. Which leads me to the title  -'A tale of two bombers'

One is an actual real bomber! In OUR little town? Really? Well, that's what the police thought and the bomb squad, the two helicopters, the special police men that have guns (we had them too) and the huge crowd peering down from behind the red and white tape... it was pretty spectacular stuff! But, alas, the "crazy woman" in a  hijab, with a rucksack, was just a bit confused (we think) and there was no real damage done. Apart from on the likes of facebook where facebook morans were posting things like "daft cow, probably just got some chuddy, ten Lambert and  tammy in her bag". ~This did make me laugh solely because I hadn't heard the word "tammy" since I was thirteen!

But, unfortunately in these times "tip offs" about possible suicide bombers need to be taken seriously, and I'm grateful the police didn't say "What in Saltburn? Doubt it?" and carried on dotting "i"s and did take it seriously. Their quick reactions made me feel safe. However, I don't think my sister's neighbour, taking her baby onto the beach for the first time ever, would agree, as she was frog marched off by a policeman in a helmet, bullet-proof vest and carrying a gargantuan firearm.

That was bad bonkers, an unusual event that caused a big commotion in a sleepy town. Which was a bit unfortunate as OUR little town had just been hitting the news for a much more favourable reason.
Let me tell you about good bonkers. We have a mystery knitter. Yes you heard me. Someone who knits things and posts them around the town anonymously. We've seen scarves around lamp posts, knitted teddy bears on picnic tables and knitted books outside the library. But the big one, the creme de la creme, the one you might just have seen in the news was the 50 yard masterpiece along the pier to celebrate the 2012 Olympics.

I stole borrowed these pictures from these pictures from the mail online (above) and the telegraph (below), because every time I've popped down to take my own  its been so busy I couldn't get a decent shot! It's like queuing to see the bayeux tapestry down there.

It's a pretty special collection of knitting, and I'm very glad the mystery knitter is gracing our town with their work. Our very own yarn bomber, the type of bomber I welcome with open arms, that's definitely a good kind of bonkers!

Saturday, 17 March 2012


This is my first "regular". When me and my sister were younger, childless and had time to kill (in boring jobs loosely linked to our desired careers), we would email each other lists of the 5 things we loved/hated that day! Back then our boyfriends were usually no 1, because that was how we rolled - all painted nails and gooey texts. Now I'm older, cynical and less needy its a given that the boys and The FH hit the top spot every-time. But my love list will include the 5 things I love beneath my family.

This week,  I...

1. How my eldest had Chicken spots considerately - only 7 spots and never itched once.
2. My Mum and her unwavering support
3."New Girl" (have a bit of a Nick crush too).
4. The Easter Egg aisle at Sainsbury's - makes me dribble a little bit.
5. This blog post by @midwifetomum on smear tests: Pap

1. The Lurgi.In whatever form it comes; its slimy germ ridden fingers grabbing you from behind and taking you down!
2. The phrase "nom nom" to quote a friend on FB: Why would people use 'nom nom' as a phrase for eating? Unless you make that noise when you actually eat in which case, where are your table manners?
3. Hearing a baby cough. Not right.
4.That awkward moment when the delivery man wants to show you a video of his dogs on his iPhone, and you have to politely watch and pretend you are an animal person whilst feeling a little (a lot) uncomfortable about the whole thing.
5. Potty training.