Sunday, 29 April 2012

Lists (4)

This weeks is based on phrases that I think people should use more or less.

My Dad, apparently sourced from here

Love (use more)

1. On any man who is elusively absent-"He's like Willo the Fucking Wisp"

2."What happens in the park, stays at the park" especially comforting after an incident with a runaway buggy... or two!

3. Bianca Butcher (Eastenders) on Olive Oil "What? It costs a fortune  and in the end you can't even taste it?" even though I am a huge fan of Olive Oil, she had a point,

4. "I've just embarrassed myself and I'm not even drunk" The story of my life as tweeted by @Get_mummy_a_gin I wish more people would join in with sober humiliation. It's a lonely place at times.

5. "Amazeballs", well it just is, isn't it?

Hate (use less)

1. Any phrase/update that includes the word "random", including FB photo albums titles

2."Bring it!" yep Jesse J you look like a wanker whenever you say it.

3. Slogans that appear on maternity wear. They are awful and should appear less, this was brilliantly summed up by Glosswatch

"Does my bump look big in this?, Under construction and, of course, the classic Baby on board. God, I feel furious just thinking about them. I hate, hate, hate them. Whose idea was this? Hey, let’s make a joke about the whole idea of “pregnant woman as mere vessel”! Hey, let’s not. Let’s just not."

Her fabulous blog is here:

4."We're in this together"  MPs, especially of the Tory variety, needs to use this less. We are not in this together. There's you, and the lottery winners, up there, living in a bubble outside of reality, There's us, in the middle, who are quite pissed off about our increasing Tesco and petrol bills that are stopping us from spending money on holidays, new clothes and home improvements. And then there's the people below that who are having a REALLY shit time. We're talking breadline. BREADLINE? Remember that from school do you? It was in the history textbooks.

5. "Your back must be killing" or any other negative statement towards carrying a baby in a sling! What is wrong with you people? You act like you are annoyed I am not using a buggy? Would you rather I took up the whole pavement or supermarket aisle with my buggy? Does my space saving baby device irritate you? Or would you prefer him to be lonely and uncomfortable in a pram? Does his contentment push your buttons? His happy face infuriate you? Freaks.

More Lists

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The Trouble with Spanx

When my sister was pregnant she said "It's so nice not to have to worry about sucking your stomach in all the time".
I replied with  "the only downside to that is afterwards you need to buy a pair of knickers to do it for you!" Thank god for Spanx ek? Underwear NOT for the faint-hearted!

So what exactly is my problem? Apart from the fact that they don't actually make you look like that (eyeballs picture to the left) and that those lovely long legs do not come with them, there is in fact a bigger problem I've recently uncovered...

I have to be honest, pre-children I never really knew about "magic knickers" In fact my only knowledge came at a wedding  when a colleague  announced to the table: she was "going to have to go to the bog and take these fucking awful knickers off before my legs turn blue."

But post-babies I have learnt two things about knickers:
1) You should always carry a spare pair if you are going to jump on a trampoline
2) There are certain outfits that require sturdier underwear.

Unfortunately, this leads me to the "trouble". Those outfits tend  to be lycra and clingy, just like the navy striped stretchy pencil skirt I bought from H&M,

These items, especially said new skirt,  normally need some skin to grip onto to hold them up, The smooth shiny surface of Spanx doesn't quite cut it in the "grip" department,

Now, personally I save Spanx for special occasions only. But on Sunday I thought "I want to wear that new skirt", and then I thought "sod it, live dangerously, team it with a pair spanx". Oh the irony!

So there I was, in my new skirt and a pair of Spanx taking the middle child round the supermarket (don't worry I accessorised them with a top and shoes).But this isn't the pretty picture I've just painted, because I wasn't just taking him round the supermarket, I was... carrying him, chasing him, dragging him, wrestling him and ingeniously placing him on unsuitable surfaces to keep him stationary whilst I tried to buy some essential items for lunch.

As I was man handling middle child back into the car and restraining him in his car seat a very nice lady in a  land rover wound her window down and said "skirt". I instinctively reached for my left hip where my Lycra pencil skirt was resting on my thigh, just below where the Spanx started, I scowled through the car window at Middle child who was belting out the Thomas theme tune triumphantly.

The trouble with Spanx is not only that their smooth and shiny surface means they cause outer clothing to slip right off you  but also that has they have cut off your circulation and numbed your bottom half so you might not feel the draught as your massive, tummy sucking knickers are on display!

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Lists (3)

This one is based on recent conversations:


1. My Mum on people saying my brother looks like Nick Knowles: "This greatly upsets me"

2. "What's that noise?" Middle Child puts three words together. We can pretty much say that's a sentence. Yay for fully working ears!

4. The FH on Twitter "Why don't you go on that Twatter and talk to your virtual friends" (at which point I did!)

3. "Come on fat Viduka" Dad to the ever widening cocker spaniel. A throw back to when a very overweight Marc Viduka played for Middlesbrough. Made me chuckle!

5.. The FH on me being the only person breast feeding in a cafe full of mums and bottle fed babies "fucking weirdos". (Although I do love breast feeding, I strongly believe a mum has to be happy with how she feeds her baby. However, it warmed my heart that even though I was in the minority The FH found a Mum opting to bottle feed quite alien)


1. "I don't want to call you Mama anymore" Big Child after a boy at school said he was a baby "Ok" I replied fighting back sobs and the strong desire to go and unleash Hell on a four year old child!

2, "By  'eck you've lost some weight" a neighbour on my post-baby weight loss! An intended compliment... I think. But instead I was left thinking about what a heffer I had been!

3. "He will need glasses and have to wear them permanently" The Orthopaedic on Big Child's eyesight. I know it's not the end of the world, but if you had a choice, you'd give them 20/20 vision right?

4.  "Wow he's big. How much does he weigh?" Any idiot who implies my baby is too big. I should reply with "I don't know. How much do you weigh?"

5. "Oh <pissed off pause> right!"  The cold caller when I politely answered his question with "No it's not a convenient time. I have a toddler and a baby who both need my attention right now." His tone was pretty much what I'd expect if I just told someone my two year had keyed the paintwork on their brand new BMW, but this guy was just pissed off because he was now going to have to dial another number to pester someone else, I said bye and hung up, but what I should have said was:
 "I'm sorry that this is your job and you really need to get at least one person to agree to a loan today so your line manager doesn't give you ball-ache, but I have a baby with chicken pox who is only happy if he is velcro-ed to my nipple and a toddler that is intent of tipping everything that can be tipped upside down. Surprisingly, my priorities lie with my offspring, not with some jumped up little twat who is taking his job DIS-satisfaction out on me!"

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Things I no longer like as much as I used to...

Jonathon Ross - Was it the massive balls up at the BBC? Or is it just like many men before him, he has stopped being funny. I don't know. But either way, I used to quite like him and now I cannot stick the guy.

Fireworks - as teenagers there was always one girl shrieking and shrilling on bonfire now. There was always on playing the damsel-in-distress-card; quivering behind some spotty teenage boy clad in puffer and hair parted in curtains. Yeah, they were annoying. Nearly as annoying as that pathetic thirty-something woman who was genuinely scared and physically wincing as the rockets threatened to erupt. Well guess what? Now I am woman. I can only assume it's a side effect from childbirth or something, but take me to watch fireworks and I will physically shrivel to the ground, cowering behind my hands in case they land on my face.... WTF???

Sneezing when driving - When I was 18 and it happened I was like all smiley and laughing "Oh my god, that's soooo dangerous" then carry on chewing gum and singing to The Beautiful South. Now I am "Oh My God! That is SO dangerous" Clutch steering wheel. Check mirror to see all children are in seat belts. Turn music off. Focus.

Topshop - I feel if I even dared to walk through the sliding doors I'd set this klaxon off "AN OLD PERSON HAS COME THROUGH THE DOOR. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TURN HER AROUND AND SEND HER IN THE DIRECTION OF DOROTHY PERKINS"

Loud Music - It's just SO loud.

Oh dear, just read over this post, did I turn 32 or 52 last week? 

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The 11th of April

It's my birthday! Today I turn 32. I shouldn't be blogging on my birthday; but 2 things are keeping us inside; the April Showers that patter against the window and I'm impatiently awaiting the delivery of my new phone.

So here's my birthday post. Interesting facts about the 11th of April according to me.

  • I like the number 11. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's my favourite number. I like the way it looks, I like that it's two ones together. I just like it
  • I think April is the prettiest name for a month. So much so it was always on my baby girls' names list.
  • The best things happen in spring, including birthdays
  • Nine years ago today the FH asked me out.
  • You can never predict the weather on April the 11th; sometimes we're celebrating in the sun, sometimes in the snow
  • This day nearly always falls in the Easter holidays
  • For 32 years my Mum and Sister have been ensuring I am spoilt rotten on this day.
  • Once in a pub, when it just turned midnight, someone poured a pint over my head. It was deserved.
  • I've only met one other person who shares my birthday
  • If you're born on this day you are an Aries, I am a typical Aries woman. On a good day, positive, friendly and energetic; on a bad, childish, moody and self-absorbed 
  • Last year, on this day, I was pregnant, but had no idea
  • The best birthday party I ever had was when I turned 10! It was a disco, I invited my whole year group, Mum made hotdogs and I rocked it on the dance floor!
  • Between the ages of 17 - 27 I can't really remember what I was doing on this day
  • You are never too old for candles

And finally, my birthday wishes for today are...
  • Not having to change my outfit due to baby sick *looks at little child*
  • Not having to clean up a smashed plate/vase/toy/other breakable item *looks at middle child*
  • Not having to wipe away any tears *looks at biggest child*
  • To bag the lotto jackpot *looks at The FH*
I think I have chosen equally fair challenges for each of them... go forth birthday fairies and make my wishes come true!

Monday, 9 April 2012

The best things in life are... Simple

There are some things in this world, that appear so simple, but really are pure genius. How did we ever cope without them?

So you can keep your iphones, the Internet and Sky+... Here's the best three inventions EVER!

Heinz and their amazing alternatives to the can...

Firstly, both of the following remove the need of a tin opener, even though most brands use that push and pull thing now, I still manage to cock that up on a weekly basis and have to revert to an old school tin opener, which usually results in the F word making an appearance.

The snack pot - so simple, so perfect. Why were they not invented when I was a student? When I was eating for one, mainly from a microwave? However, I can't complain as a parent they have come into their own; perfect for the boys to share, so easy, no mess, minimal washing up, just the right amount, blah, blah, blah, love, love, love.

The plastic jar thing with the lid - you know, the one with the advert where they put baked beans in all sorts of inappropriate containers and the juice dribbles over the edge and makes you feel a little bit sick. Well, beyond that there is a jar with a lid, allowing you to take as much or as little as you need, without having to feel guilty about leaving a half-opened can in the fridge, open to the elements and all sorts of bacteria. Then a week later praying you cook them for long enough to burn off toxins. Or just chucking them, like I do, and starting all over again and constantly having a reminder of how wasteful you are every time you  open the fridge and see decaying bean juice on the crusty can.  This way, you just open the lid, take a spoonful out and screw the lid back on. Simple.

Handles on suitcases...

 Did we really carry suitcases? Did we? Across train stations? Airports? Through hotels? Around cities?Really?

Did That woman at King's Cross, the one in a pencil skirt, once upon time, have to CARRY her over-night case? How did she strut without her extending handle and suitcase wheels? How did she cope?

Baby Wipes...

Ok so as wiping babies' bums go they are pretty good. Let's just say they get the job done. But it's how damn useful they every where else that makes them pure genius. Sometimes I wonder what I did before baby wipes were in my life. W"hat did I use... To get dried red wine off the wooden floor? To take my make-up off? To dust? To get toothpaste off a black top? To clean dog-poo off a shoe? To wipe ice cream off The FH's  shaved head? To clean a muddy slide? Clean the rear-view  mirror? Wipe-clean a birthday card? Clean mascara stained cheeks? Remove something unsightly from a park bench/train seat/cafe table? Use a public lav?

And that was just today, tomorrow there will be another Twenty things I've used baby wipes for.

So, for the love of God, could someone please re-invent the DVD...

DVDs - Invincible huh? Isn't that what the CD and its sister product the DVD were first marketed as? Well, we never needed to replace videos... To date I have replaced 9 Toy Story DVDs. I just have to sneeze near one and it is scratched beyond use. I currently own over 80 children's DVDs that are unusable. Too many, that I can't even face sorting through them to decipher which ones still work. Can we please reinvent the DVD wheel?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

A letter to my big toe...

Dear Mega-Toe,

It appears you have a strong gene, as we have come to the conclusion, that not one, but all three, of our children have their very own Mega-Toe.

Of course the FH is a little upset about this, but I suggest we continue as we always have, by ignoring him.

I think during the past nine years we have got very good at it.

I know it hasn't been easy, for you in particular; his constant jibes, his inability to show any affection towards you and that look of disgust that creeps over his face if you got too close to him. But your composure and indifference have been nothing short of admirable.

And for the record Mega-toe, you are not a square. He is completely exaggerating when he says you are as wide as you are high! Granted, you are bigger than the average big toe, but a square you are not.

Anyway, it appears you have got the last laugh as you have made your mark on his offspring. And just think in a few years time, those little Mega-toes will be BIG mega-toes... Bigger than he could ever have imagined... Mwha ha ha ha ha!

Yours lovingly

The rest of me!

NB: I wrote a letter on the blog before here: "Dear Family Car Spaces". However, I have been inspired to write more letters after reading Letters from Ladycurd - they are very funny. Who knows? This may even become a regular feature, but  then again it may not, as I am a lazy-arse after all.