Friday, 28 October 2011

Three things that have tickled me

I was sat at my Mums, one child at school, the other asleep; I was relaxing. The phone rang, as it often does there. My Mum answered, already shirked as the caller display hinted it may be a cold caller.
"Hello" she said, appearing, cold, abrupt and stern all at once.
No answer.
"Hello" she repeated, louder and even sterner.
 She hung up, pressing the disconnect button with drama, flourish and anger.
"They make me so cross" she said to me.
Next minute the phone rang again.
"Hello" she shouted with unmistakeable fury bubbling in her tone.
"Did you just hang up on me?" a male asked with a distinctive Indian accent.
"Yes, I did" I hears her say, taken aback.
The caller said something in Indian, which Mum thought could have been loosely translated as "F### You" and hung up on her.
She sat there, aghast, spluttering and spitting feathers.
"How rude?" she finally said after a lot of shaking of the head.
"Very" I replied, stifling the giggles.

If you read my last post, you will be aware about the water meter troubles we've had. If not, in short, we've been stung. Anyway The FH had to determine if we had a leak or  not, this meant he had to read the meter and we were NOT ALLOWED to use any water for an hour, then he had to read it again.
"Right he said coming in from the yard. I've read the meter, nobody is use any water for ONE WHOLE HOUR. Ok?"
"Ok" I replied.
"No water at all Fran, you got that?"
"Yes I replied "I'll take the kids to the park then, just to make sure"
I faffed about finding shoes, coats and hats for a while.
"Are you going?" the FH asked.
"Yep. Just need a wee" I said running up the stairs (or whatever a 7 month pregnant woman does when they intend to move quickly up a flight of stairs).
"Don't use any water." he chided
"Ok" I chirped back.
I had a wee.
Got up.
Flushed the chain.
And then washed my hands.
"What?" I shouted back arrogantly.

I had to follow the FH to hospital the other week, after he was carted off in an ambulance. (It was a false alarm, all is well). When I arrived, and found his ward, he was having his bloods taken and a hospital curtain was concealing him and his hospital bed. I was ushered in and sat on the uncomfortable plastic seat as we made small talk, including inappropriate humour, to pass the time.

The nurse left us, also leaving the curtains drawn. Which is a strange experience; being left in the middle of a ward, concealed behind curtains. You naturally whisper and listen intently to anything going on the other side. Like hiding in a cupboard as a child.

It was a shift change, so the new Nurse was acquainting herself with the ward

The first conversation we hear:
Nurse: (Approaching bed to the right, presumably looking at her notes): Hi there, Alfred isn't it?
Patient: No. Chris.
Nurse: Oh that's a bit different from Alfred. Is that your second name?
Patient: No. It's because my surname is Noel. And that's like Christmas. So people call me Chris

Me and The FH, listening to each other intently turn and pull "WTF" faces?

The second conversation we hear:
Nurse: (Approaching bed to the left, presumably looking at her notes): Hello. Robert isn't it?
Patient: No. Mark.
Nurse: Right, of course. Is that your middle name?
Patient: No, I just get called Mark.
Nurse: Ok, Mark.

Me and The FH stifle giggles. I turn to him and whisper "You have to create an Alias".
He shakes his head, trying not to laugh "Piss off Fran"

The third conversation we hear

Auxiliary: (entering ward) Simon? Is Simon here?
I nudge The FH, but before he can answer, some-one else replies.
Another Scouse Simon: (in a Liverpool accent): Yeah I'm Simon.
Auxiliary: Your brother's on the phone.
Another Souse Simon: I'll call him back.

I turn to The FH (Who is not only called Simon, but is also from Loverpool and has a brother) "Well you're going to have to create a new identity now as he's  just nicked yours."

No comments:

Post a Comment