Isn't hindsight fucking wonderful?

Warning: ranty, sweary and angry.

There are many things I would allow my older self to tell my younger self if she could... but nothing ever seems as important as the things we did wrong when we bought this house.

Younger self: sit up and pay attention!

You MUST pay for a proper surveyor -

Before the collapse of our economy, there was a time when houses were flying of their metaphorioc shelves and banks were giving away mortgages - "Do you want a 100% mortgage? Sure why not? Would you like a free surveyor with that?"

So as a first time buyer when they say "would you like a free surveyor or to pay for one?" - which one do you think we chose? They fail to tell you that a free surveyor drives past the building and checks it is is there, whereas, other surveyors actually do a building survey and tell you about the things that might cost you a lot of money in the future.

What a decent surveyor could have told me?

• That all the joists in the front room were rotten and when we would come to pull up the carpets and lay laminate flooring, we would have to budget in the cost of replacing all the joists, as what we were walking on was a shoddy, makeshift job which could have collapsed and one of use could disapperared through the floor at any moment (you will be 7 months pregnant with first child at this point)
• That the electrics were actually illegal and the house could have gone up in flames at any point. But we would only discover this when getting some building work done and therefore would have to pay for a rewire, every room to be replastered and re-decorated and turn what was meant to be a 2 week stay at my parents (with a partly pooty trained toddler and a new born colicy baby) into an 8 week stint!
• That the pointing and bricks on the exterior back wall were actually knackered and having replastered every room, two of them would be subject to elements, during TWO Big Freezes,  and the wall will need rendering, the rooms replastering and redocrating ... again!

Take a good look at the Previous Owner

So you may have worked out the previous owner, Mr P, was a bit of a bodge-up, make-shift kind of guy. There may have been some signs, if we hadn't been so excited about buying a house together, we could have picked up on them. However, I have come to the conclusion after living here for numerous years, Mr P was tighter than a duck's arse.

We have recently been given the news are water bill is doubling - why is ours doubling and noone elses?  We are on a meter - oh no we didn't fit it, the previous owner did. Because who fits water metres? Single men who don't flush the toilet that's who. And now we are stuck on it - Forever! Which means our bill can cost up to 5 times more than our neighbours, who can use more water than us, just because some tight fisted tit decided to install a meter and we are now stuck on it!

FAQ
Can you tell them you didn't know you had a meter fitted?
Yes, and they can say we don't care.
Can you tell them you have a third child on the way and are a one income family and will struggle with the new bills?
Yes, And they can say they don't care.
Can you express how ridiculous the system is and that either everyone should have a compulsory meter or noone, otherwise they are not treating you the same as other customers?
Yes, and they can say as we are the only water provider, we have no competition, we don't care.

And one final note, younger self...
You are very in love and you're both playing it cool; going for the safe option, buying a two bedroom terrace, because who's going to start talking about thrid bedrooms and gardens for the children when you've only just committed to moving in together? Get over yourself younger self and look at the bigger picture: this is the man you are going to spend your life with and have children with (all boys btw, forget the pink now), don't go for a two bedroomed terrace, push the boat out and buy the three bedroomed semi with a garden. Why? Because, there is a fucker of an economic depression coming your way where the price of petrol and a weekly food shop is going to triple. Plus you will give up work, become very fertile and end up living like Mr and Mrs Pontipine  in that tiny house. (Younger Self, Google In The Night Garden for the children's TV reference) Additionally, David Cameron (Google future upper class twats who will run the country) will make it his priority to squeeze the middle and you will never be able to afford to get a bigger mortgage again and your FH will buy you this for Christmas in attempt to save money on the water bill!



Regards,
Mrs Pontipine