Saturday, 26 January 2013

Skillz; My top 3 falls.

There's few things I can say I am better at that anyone else. Firstly, anything that involves sport or coordination is ruled out with my first breath. Then, anything that involves deadlines or punctuality is obliterated with my second. And if it happens to require any level of tidiness or cleanliness then it's also gone...

But one skill I have acquired over the years is being good at falling.

And do you know what? I'm going to put it out there and say: I'm better than most. To be fair it has taken a lot of inappropriate shoes, some unsavoury amounts of alcohol and a clumsy DNA make up to perfect this art. But that's right Falling is my skill!

Now let's just make it clear here, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong end of the stick. I'm not good at falling in a "Oh she nearly fell  but saved herself kind of way",  oh no, I'm good at falling in a "Ha ha she landed on her face" kind of way.

And by good, I mean I have done it spectacularly, in a variety of places, in front of various people and with a vast amount of humiliation. But what I do well is damage limitation. I have never broken a bone (except the odd toe or a thumb, but no one counts those do they?).

Therefore, with the wintry weather hanging around like a bad smell, and every other day being pot luck between slippy-slidey-catch-you-off-guard-slush and fatal-ice-patches,  I was sure this week's blog would be a cringy snapshot of me landing on my arse, in the snow, in front of all the other mums at the school gate. But, alas, it isn't. I didn't. That post can wait till next year.

But not one to disappoint, I thought I'd relive my 3 most spectacular falls of all time. Just because there's nothing I like more on a Saturday morning that a bit of self-humiliation.


In no particular order...

1. The starfish

So notoriously Newly Qualified Teacher's get wankered at the end of year do. It's just how it works. They haven't quite grasped "professional drinking" and are still partaking in that no-rules "student drinking", where not being able to talk or walk by 10pm is quite acceptable.

Anyhow, after the official "do", some of us continued unofficially drinking in a night club, which is always a good idea when you will be teaching 30 teenagers the next morning. And whilst on the edge of the dance floor, stood with my new, young and trendy colleagues,one second I was stood up drink in hand, and the next, inexplicably lay on my back in the shape of a star fish. There was no obvious reason for this fall. I wasn't even doing that "dancing in one spot" thing.  If it hadn't been for the bang and the huge bruise on my arse you would have thought I just taken position down there for a rest. But no, it was definitely a fall.

And the following may or may not be true
  • There were some of the current 11 pupils in the night club
  • I was down there for some time
  • I woke up with night club sludge in my hair
  • I was still pissed the next day at work

2. The somersault.

In my final year at university, My brother and Sister joined me for New Year Celebrations. This year Newcastle was true to form: loud, drunken and cold (it was snowing in fact). After 3 years in The 'Toon I had joined in the Geordie spirit of freezing to death on a night out. This night's attire included brand new knee high boots and a mini skirt.

We ended the night at a house party. I remember downing something disgusting being passed off as punch in the kitchen, I remember doing a samba style dance to Van Morrison's 'Moondance' in the living room (pretty much entailed my house mate throwing me around the room) and I remember there were many drinking games and I joined in them all! The next thing I remember is talking to my brother at the top of the stairs slurring and spitting "No, it's totally not time to go home" and then I descended the stairs via a somersault (unplanned, obviously). The party guests in the downstairs living room, apparently had the best view as my somersault continued past the entrance and along the hallway!

 The next day I was told the noise as I tumbled deafened the party music, the fall itself was "death-defying" and my emergence, where I stood up holding the heel from my new boot in my hand saying " Yes, you're right it is time to go", would be told at New Year's Parties for years to come!

3. The scissors!

I am notorious for wearing inappropriate shoes. So when I was pregnant with my first child, I was  determined to be extra cautious in the bad weather. I decided to abandon all fashion sense and don a pair of walking boots to make the journey from my car to the school gates safely.

I had managed two days without feeling unsteady on the ice, on the third, I poured myself out of the driver seat, pushed the front seat forward, smiled at my passing colleagues, as I turned and bent over to retrieve my bag from the back seat. Just then my walking boot skidded on some ice, I lost my footing and tumbled head first into the back of my car. My pregnant arse, legs, and walking boots were left sticking out the doorway like a pair of scissors with boxing gloves on the end! I don't think any pupils were there to witness this masterpiece, but I know the male PE department did, as they were the ones who pulled me out!

So I challenge you to give me your worst? Are you better at falling than me? Prove it!


  1. Oh, I love this sooo much and you have indeed brightened up my Saturday! I laughed out loud in several places and could (unfortunately) relate to much of it (but I need to hone my skills cos I don't think I do it as well as you).
    You ask for people to share so I will, but you must promise not to think any less of me...I fell after a girls' night out before the house. I ran in the dark (obviously drunk) and tripped over a table, banging my nose on the corner (and possibly breaking it). I then leant on the table to help myself up, missed, and banged my lip on the floor. I limped outside to pay the taxi with blood pumping from my nose and a huge 'trout pout' lip. Attractive.
    See, I may not be as good as you at falling but I must win an award for longest comment, surely? Great post :) x

    1. Oh thank you! Glad you enjoyed and loved hearing your tale of woe - 2 bumps, one fall - that Lady is SKILLZ!

  2. Ok. So, picture the scene. I have arrived at a newly opening restaurant to apply for a job as a waitress, along with a roomful of others. Take a moment to consider which skills are essential for such a position. The interview panel is located in the centre of the room. My name is called. I get up and make my way towards the table. As I approach, I manage to slip on perfectly smooth, unobstructed flooring and land flat on my back directly in front of the desk. I didn't get the job.

    1. I love this! I have waitressed - had some major fricking diasters whilst doing so! Thank you for sharing... you can join my gang!

  3. My favourite fall? HAS to be this one:

    Drunk after work party. Husband starts smoking pipe in our flat (it was 2002, people), so I crawl to the balcony door on my knees and pull open the door. I lose my balance, you know, from being ON MY KNEES and drunk, and fall face down onto the balcony - taking a whole pile of plant canes with me, very, very noisily. My husband cannot see me and assumes from the noise that I have fallen OFF the balcony... and naturally screams and tears over, expecting to see my broken body on the pavement below. But all was well, people. He forgave me about a week later.

    I can confirm that falling over when you're on your knees still hurts a lot.

  4. Oh wow you are really good at falling! I have just walked into and fallen over several bollards in my time but think my best was walking into a low balcony in Italy and falling backwards and sitting crying. A friendly cafe owner brought me some ice while I sat on the street crying.

  5. Oh I also fell off a tram in San Francisco and was in the paper with an ice pack on my head... I have the clipping somewhere, so proud!

  6. Mine's more of a car crash. I fell of my bike on the way home in the dark. Crazy stunt, I was overtaking a PEDESTRIAN and hit the kerb, the kerb being all of an inch high, and went flying. Skinned my knee and bashed my shins ending up with the legs of a 5 year old. Two very nice young men helped me up and saw me on my way, wobbling off into the gloom, whimpering and wanting my Mum to come and get me. I am 55.

    1. Sounds torturous. There's something about falling off a bike that takes it to a whole new humiliation level. Note to self: NEVER buy a bike!

  7. Inspired tumbling - brilliant - you really are very seasoned at this. Particularly loved the New Years Eve fall - how did you not break any bones? That's the stuff of myth! X.

    1. I have no idea. I remember some party guest looking at me stood up and saying "how are you still alive?". Brother said a drumkit falling downthe stairs would have made less noise!