No Children Please!

Ok, so there are places that are appropriate for children and there are places that aren't.

We all know that.

I haven't taken my kids out clubbing with me (because the last time I went was 2002) or to theatre to watch Our Country's Good (also in 2002). But I wouldn't anyway. I rarely take them to a restaurant these days, unless it has a huge outdoor space when they can partake in some lungeing pony training  to tire them out before they are forced to sit still for 3 and half minutes.

But before I had kids you wouldn't have found me eating in Pizza Hut at 5.00pm.

Like I was saying, there are places you expect to find kids and places you don't.

And maybe I am out of touch, but two places I expect to find children is on aeroplanes and at weddings!

Before I had kids. I travelled A LOT more. We had holidays back then you see, real ones, where you go to another country - one that is hot! And do you know what? I can't remember there NOT being  a child on the flight. In fact, I think on every flight I had a small child in the same row as me. But I expected that. I expected them to be sat right next to me and scream the whole 4 hours. And if they didn't then it was a bonus.

But  if there was a noisy child  on the flight, do you know what I did? I put my ear phones on and I watched a film or played some music. And I didn't hear a thing. Simple.

I find the fact that an American couple, who were taking their twin boys on a  trip to visit their Grandparents, felt the need to provide "apology" gifts to the whole plane, absolutely ludicrous.

Here's the gift bag... some sweets, a sickly note written by over thoughtful Mum and dad, the twins, and ear plugs.



Only in America! Where you have to fly everywhere because it's massive!

Apparently the apology for reproducing "gifts" took ages to prepare... Which boils my piss even more as THEY have twins! How did they find the time? Just look after your babies. Every one else will cope. I'm sure they've heard worse.

So sorry folks, from now on we are all going to look like thoughtless bastards if we just show up at the airport with our kids. And if you do, you'll probably get some joker in a suit, sat in front of you, who says "Where's my present?" as soon as your child starts to whinge. It's ok, you have my permission to give him a bunch of fives!

I recently took a one hour flight with three kids. Four including my nephew, who was also on the flight. The kids were really well behaved on the plane, to be fair they ran riot round the airport but on the plane they were good. But still a jumped up, spotty student still felt the need to turn round and give me daggers every time my 8 month old babbled. Babbled. Not cried or screamed, he just babbled. If I hadn't been too busy giving out lollies, breast feeding, loading games on i pads, reading a book, colouring in and singing a nursery rhymes I would have stuck my middle finger up his upturned nostrils. But I was too busy ensuring my children were entertained. I was parenting. So, instead I wished him the worst fate I could think of. I wished him a colicky baby. Therefore, in the future when he was was pacing the streets in  the middle of night, begging for sleep, clawing at the edges of sanity, he would look back on that flight to Newquay and think "my God that women had a well-behaved baby. What an ignorant little cock I was?"

Which brings me nicely on to weddings...

Weddings? Yes weddings, that FAMILY occasion, where the FAMILY comes together to celebrate a couple who are statistically very likely to have children, if they haven't already.

 So with it being such a family occasion I cannot fathom why some people make it a"No children affair".

What are they afraid of? They might make a noise during a speech? Well at least someone will, chances are it's going to be naff anyway. They might not match with the colour scheme? They might have fun? Fart? Breathe?

Do you know what? I'm already bored of your wedding. I'm glad I'm not going.

Some people have said their parent guests asked them to make it "no children" - who are these people with unlimited baby sitters? And why did they have children? Was it purely because they felt left out because they couldn't shop in Mamas and Papas?

But it's their wedding, it's up to them. Just please don't send me an invite saying "No Children Affair" on it. Please don't expect me to face the guilt of asking someone to look after my 3 kids for a whole day AND night. And if by some miracle, I do find that angel, then please don't let me come to your "No Children Affair" to discover there are actually children there. The "special" children who are allowed to go, because they are under strict instruction not to be child-like  blood relatives. The ones who are bored shitless, because they are stuck with loads of pompous adults who don't want to interact with them. The ones who are having their playful souls ripped from their chests as they watch Uncle Knobhead get wankered.

My brother got married recently. We took our kids. So did everyone else who had them. In fact it was more of "please bring your children, and if you don't have any bring someone else's" kind of an affair.

And yes. I spent most of the day, along with The FH, running after them. It was hard work. Children are. I'm afraid that comes as part of the "having a family" package. It is hard work. But it was still good fun. We all had a cracking day. The kids especially. They loved it. And I am so glad that the experience wasn't taken away from them for fear of spoiling it for the grownups.