The lost blogs of 2012

Hello!

It's been a while.

I apologise.

All I can say is I've been... er... busy?

Yes. Busy.

Not busy writing THAT book. Or busy drinking posh coffee in fancy coffee shops. Or busy shopping. Or busy catching up with old friends. No, none of that busy. I've been the kind of busy where you can't really think of one thing you've been doing. But I know I have been busy. The bags under my eyes and my worn out soles tell me I have.

But I have thought about you often little blog, and your depleting and neglected followers and I feel I owe you something, some sort of explanation.

So here it is, in a nutshell... The blogs I never got round to writing in 2012  and the reasons why I didn't write them.

January -Life on Mars Twitter

I welcomed the New Year in with a new born baby. I started breast feeding again... and finally "got" Twitter. I had been on Twitter for years, but only by account name. I had never really been on it! You see Twitter, unlike Facebook, requires dedication, intelligence, maturity and a potty mouth. All of which I had time to muster whilst breastfeeding. I landed in a whole new Twitter world and felt very much at home.


February - Adenoids, Tonsils and Tantrums

I made the jump from two children to three quite comfortably as I had given birth to the best behaved* (*sleepiest) new-born known to mankind. His sleepy disposition was indeed vital for our family to survive Middle Son's adenoidectomy and tonsillectomy which took place mid-February. After the op, the ENT paediatrician said we were in for a week of hell. He was wrong. It was worse than hell. And it lasted 2 weeks.



March - From Sunshine to snow. A mother's survival guide

I can't remember March. Must have been busy! Oh I was, we had summer. It lasted 4 days. We were on the beach, we all got sand in our underwear, the baby turned mahogany and by the time I had unearthed last year's buckets and spades it had started to fucking snow!


April - Help! I look old!

I turned 32. I felt old. I looked old. I didn't want to blog.


May -  With Facebook comes great responsibility

In the cruelest way I became aware of how precious life is and how insensitive social networking sites can be. My relationship with facebook was tested to its peak. I was reminded how self-absorbed some Facebook "friends" are, and then remembered why they are not real friends. I cried for a family who had lost. I was very grateful for the health of my own.


June -What happens in the park stays in the park

Most of June was spent recovering from a nasty experience at the park. Whilst some woodcutters, and lots of health and safety folk (including a nurse) stood blocking the main path watching a tree get felled, me and my sister managed to let go of our buggies (with babies aboard) and watch horrified as they went solo down a very steep hill. It was a moment of madness, one we have no answers for and that has scarred us permanently. But fortunately the babies (and buggies) survived without a scratch and the random nurse, who apparently is a necessity at a felling, gave them a once over and confirmed this. Still it was, at the time, too traumatic to blog about.


July -   How to get over Wedding Blues - start planning your own!

July was filled with my brother's wedding - the event of the year! The occasion was utterly gorgeous and wonderfully consuming. From the planning, the excitement, the actual day and the severe case of Wedding Blues that followed. But I wouldn't have spent July any other way.



August -  Getting through customs with 4 Children and 2 Grandparents

I gave myself over to the Olympics and then went on holiday to Cornwall to recover. We all went. All 12 of us! Getting through customs with 4 children, 2 buggies, 2 babies, 2 slings, 2 Grandparents, 1 sleep machine, no concept of travelling light and a big fuck off to the hand luggage liquid allowance... Yeah that was fun.


September - Why sensible people stop at 2.

The baby started speed-crawling. I no longer had ANY free time. Oh I didn't have that any way, but now I had no blog time. No that was definitely gone. This was what having 3 Children was really like: busy!


October - Why are some woman just horrible?

October was spent mainly avoiding women I don't like. I mean I used to do this at work. That was tough. But then I was a teacher, I  was going to have to put up with bitching, whispers, immaturity and name calling. But that's just what staff rooms are  like these days! At least the kids were nice. But I have realised that those damn right nasty women are everywhere: on the school run, at play groups, in an office, standing at a bus top... That whispering, the false smile, the tilted head, the high pitched voice. You know what I mean. I am SO sick of walking into a room of women and facing that pathetic facade as they pretend they haven't been talking about you. Just lay off each other girls! Life can be unpleasant enough.

November Movember.

He grew a tash, raised a couple of hundred quid, looked terrible and didn't get a kiss for a whole month . "Silver linings" he said. But underneath my disgust at his ginger handlebars I was proud of him. He hates facial hair and he did it to help a tutor group in his house who were unmotivated about raising money for charity. So credit where it's due. He gave up the rights to kiss me to help others. That deserves a clap!

Even though their old fashioned moustache's look ridiculous with modern hair cuts, I think Movember is a good thing. I like Men coming together to raise awareness about Men's Health. I like the return of a Moustache, the statement, the solidarity. I just don't like how it feels on my lip. It's like kissing me dad! Ew!

December - Festive frolics no more...I am a Weightwatchers bore!

I joined weightwatchers. When usually I am planning for the indulgence of Christmas I spent December tracking, planning and weighing food. Believe me it's not as fun as I just made it sound. And My God is it all-consuming! Yes, it worked I lost a stone in 5 weeks, but the downside was how boring I became. I did advise people to stop following me on twitter, avoid me in the pub and under no circumstances phone me up, as there was a strong chance I could bore them into oblivion telling them about how many points there is a Jacob's cracker and exactly how I made the lovely zero point roasted vegetables  I ate for tea.

We were all relieved when Christmas arrived.. The baby turned 1 and started walking, We made it through with only mild illnesses (no hospitalisations so we are improving) and generally a good time was had by all! Success...  And yes I looked bloody good in my size 12 TopShop skinny jeans!


So That was that! 2012, the year I barely blogged.

And what are my resolutions for 2013?

1) To blog more
2) To write that book
3) To get married
4) To move into a bigger house

3 and 4 strictly rely on me doing 2 and not 1. So we'll see!

Anyway, thanks for everyone who has started following the blog, continued to pop by and read my musings and especially those who commented ( even the bridezillas - you too!) It's been a good year, but I promise more activity on here next year. At least one thing's for sure. I won't be preggers this year... No we've made sure that's not happening again!

Happy New Year! Bring it in with a bang!

Lists (6) - Halloween

Lists - the spooky edition!

Sorry no pictures of my kids in Halloween costumes here. None on my phone, on my FB page or on twitter. Haven't even got one on instagram! Sorry. You know, because I bet you haven't seen enough pictures have you? I bet your Facebook News Feed is a Halloween drought isn't it?

Ok... I can rustle up one of our pumpkins, just for you, just because I know you are starved of spooky shots...

 

We call them Spooked, Narked and Wasted.

How was that? Better. Ok, let's continue with the post.

Things I love and hate about Halloween...

Love

1)  I just love a theme! I'm all about themes. I just like to know what is heart of something. Just tell me what we're basing it on and I'll go hell for leather with you. So Halloween's a good one then. You've got crafts, baking, parties, fancy dress, discos, all spooky. Easy I can do that. Apart from this year, as an extra child seemed to make it a push too far! But next year I'm going all out I can tell ya - like a bat outta hell.

2) Pumpkin Carving. So we have an annual pumpkin carving competition in our house. Me versus Him! And I love it... because being creative is my thing! The FH gets to beat me at every sport on the planet. I get "Arty Shit" it's how we work. Every year he refuses to admit my pumpkin is better, but it is!

This year the 5 year old joined in too. He designed it and The FH carved it for him (we are not mental, we didn't let him do that bit on his own). And this year I let twitter decide which one was the winner. Guess who they picked? Yeah the kid's. Wankers.

3) Giving. Not Taking! Do you know what my eldest son's favourite bit of Halloween is? Opening the door and giving out sweets. He doesn't even ask to have one himself. He just loves giving them out and saying "Happy Halloween" - how cute is he? Especially dressed up as a bat! He charms the scariest of them all!

Hate

1) Knocking on strangers doors. It's all a bit wrong isn't it. We're not there yet. Thank god. So I haven't had to endure that battle with them. But really knocking on stranger's doors? Do we have to? It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't mind if you want to come and knock on mine. We'll even have a tub of sweets waiting, but ask me to go out in the cold, dark October rain and knock on strangers doors. No I don't like the thought of that.

2) At the stroke of midnight on Halloween, Christmas will begin. For the big guns, the companies, the advertisers, all Halloween has become is a signal for Christmas commercialism to begin. November the 1st - the start of Christmas being rammed down your throat! Soon we'll be telling our kids "You know why you dress up on Halloween don't you? To ward off Christmas? Yes that's right, we do it to tell Christmas to fuck off for another 30 days and come back on December the 1st.

3) Taking, Not Giving. So yesterday we took the eldest and a couple of mates to a Halloween disco. One of the parents kindly gave us a fiver to buy some sweets for them all. We filled one of those pumpkin buckets with sweets from the tuck shop and they came and topped on sugar and ran round a dark hall intermittently. At one point  an acquaintance type parent type sat next to me. When she eyed the sweet tub she said "Have you already been Trick an' Treating?"
"No" I replied "We bought them here". She looked dumbfounded. A few moments later her son  came and asked for some money, she replied "I'm not paying for sweets here, when we can get them for free afterwards"

Lo and behold who should come knocking on my door later... Awkward!

"Next time I have a good idea.."

The conversation started like this…

Me: When we are in Liverpool I want to take J somewhere he’ll really love for his birthday.
Him: Ok, any ideas?
Me: A really good swimming baths, that has a slide and some paddling pool bits. He’d love that.
Him: I know just the place – Rhyl Sun Centre! We used to go there as kids, but I think they have knocked it down and rebuilt it…

Erm, by the way – THEY HAVEN’T!

It still looks exactly like this…


No I tell a lie, the Monorail has gone.

And to quote my darling OH “No, it’s still exactly the same. In fact I did a crap here in 1987 and it’s still in the Lav!”

Let me first start saying if I was under the age of 15 I would have a loved it! For children who don’t care for mouldy tiles, floating plasters and a really disturbing smells it is swimming paradise! Really! The slides, the surf boards, the waves – they are a child’s dream!

Bur for parents, who just want to make it through the holiday without their children catching dysentery then it’s pretty much hell!

Before we arrived I hadn’t paid much attention to the name, but that is actually the theme, crank the heaters up so you feel abroad. The centre recreates “tropical conditions” and there’s holiday style plastic tables and parasols and sun loungers scattered all around. And people, who don’t actually go in the water, just go to sit and read the paper! Really! They are just there for the weather!
And with the heat comes the smell! My word the smell! If I close my eyes and I try really hard. Yes it’s still there. Still very much there. I can’t describe it. It’s something you have to experience, but be warned… Only the brave will survive.

We renamed the paddling pool “Cornplaster Corner”, the wave machine “The Shit Machine” because it increased the smell and the walkway “The Bridge of Doom”. But don’t let us put you off we probably just have high standards of hygiene (we don’t).

What else? I can’t comment on the food, the smell had knocked me sick so I couldn’t eat. But everything was pretty pricy, including entry fee. The changing rooms were ok-ish! Showers worked fine, I think, it all became a bit of a blur at that point and was carrying a 9 month old baby most of the time. And they have a shop too! To buy souvenirs and swimwear and floats and stuff – just like really being abroad!

But the reason we went… for the kids! They loved it. They loved the slides, the wave machine, the burger and chips and the water shoots! The only thing that the little ones didn’t like was when the sprinklers from the ceiling went off – which is understandable as it’s like being in a big shower really and you know what it’s like trying to get little ones to take a shower!

If you are not at all squeamish or have no sense of smell and want to visit the Rhyl Sun Centre you can find more information here http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk/. And it’s worth a look just for the youtube video, it really captures the essence of the place!

NB: The photos are borrowed from this website http://rhyl-life.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/rhyl-sun-centre.html and this one http://www.attractionsnorthwales.co.uk/attractions/rhyl-sun-centre

Judgy McParents... Here you go... Have a field day!

Ok, I'm going to be very honest here. I have a confession. And, you are the first to know...

I. Am. A. Hypocrite.

There. I said it.

What ya gonna do about it?

Let me explain further?

2 years ago, when my eldest was the age my middle child is (3 and 1/4) at exactly this time of year (October) we (me and some other mums) were discussing possible Christmas present ideas for our kids who were all in the same class. I was absolutely horrified to discover a couple of them were buying their children a DS. And my face, bless its cotton socks, does not hide horror well. They justified it to me with "they have older siblings"/ "it's the only thing they want"/"blah blah blah"

I couldn't believe children as young as this were being given such expensive and anti-social items.

But a year later and my eldest had too become a computer fiend: they had access to i pads and i pod touches at school; his grandparents had a touch screen PC which he loved: he mastered the mouse on our laptop; and, begrudgingly, we had relented and downloaded some "educational" apps on our phone. Basically the digital world had crept up on us and now it had his virtual fingers around our necks. So, that Christmas we decided we would get him his own tablet style computer.

But we weren't irresponsible, frivolous parents. We researched this properly. We found the most educational and value-for-money tablet there was and that was the one he got. A Leap pad explorer. And he loved it. He could take pictures (me in the bath) video record (me breast feeding) and access educational math and phonic games as well as e-books.

The downside was that it turned out every app cost at least £7 each and any Disney or mainstream apps were around £20. But we set it up as reward system for doing well at school, so he earned a new app. (I know, evil aren't we?)

A few months later his younger brother threw it on the floor and smashed the screen. Game over. And with Leap Pad being an American company it seemed nowhere in the UK was able to repair it for us. There we go. Money well spent!

So this year all he does want is a new i pad (bless him, he really thinks it was one) and we have been wondering what to do.

We know if we had bought him a i pod touch or a DS last year and the screen had broken we could have got it fixed ANYWHERE. We also know that Android or apple tablets have thousands and thousands of free apps. Some educational too. and out of the ones you have to buy the most expensive is usually around £4. We also know that these hand held devices do last a lot longer in terms of "growing with your child" if they can mange not to break or lose them in that period.

But deciding the 5 year old ( most of his year group is 6) will get some sort of handheld computer device for Christmas was pretty definite.

But what about his 3 year old brother?

The one who is obsessed with anything digital: phones, laptops, ipads and beebies. The one who is throws terrible tantrums when it comes to sharing and taking turns. The one who has every toy suitable for his age group because his older brother already had it. The one who wouldn't want any of his own presents if he sees his brother with THAT. What do we get him?

The equivalent cost in plastic crap that he won't use or bother with past January?

A bike or scooter? Even though our shed is full of barely used ones?

Generally as parents, we are more sensible than most when it comes to Christmas spending. We can't afford to be anything else, we have three kids and one income!

So when I sat with my OH last night discussing digital Christmas presents and said "Do we get Jonty one too?" I then had to scramble around on the floor, pick up those dirty words and eat them! Because yes, I was THAT parent and I AM that parent, I'm a hypocrite.

The truth is I don't want my 3 year old to have an ipod touch, or a DS or similar. And the truth is he probably won't get one. But if he did, it would make my life a lot easier.

Yes, there would be no arguments, no fighting and no tantrums, yes it would keep him quiet whilst I was making dinner, or breastfeeding the baby or you know, blogging. But in reality what is that teaching him?

It's ok you never have to talk to us. You never have to share. Yes, the world does revolve around you.

And in buying him it am I not just giving in to this materialistic world of ours? Just giving in because it's easy. Giving in because I feel guilty about the world being such a shitty place. Do we all fill our homes with expensive crap for them because we are too scared to let them go outside on their own?

Of course, given a choice, I want them to have my childhood. Where a computer was what Dad borrowed from school in the 6 week holidays and was shared between three of us. The games were on 5 inch floppy discs which loaded up to the sound of a tractor revving its engine. On a good day the games loaded up, the rest of the time it just made the noise. I want them to spend the rest of their free time making dens in the woods, skateboarding in alleyways, staying out till they are near dehydrated and only returning to glug a litre of water and grab an apple. I want them to have all that rather than a computer. But sadly, today, the police are still searching for a 5 year old's body, and for now, my children are just too small and too precious to be let loose in that world without me.

Maybe I'll just get him one of these?

`

What do think blogging hemisphere? Do we put an age limit on digital gifts? Did you? How old were your kids when they got their first computer-esque gift?

I dunno what the answer is, maybe I'll just right a letter to some bearded bloke with a soft spot for the colour red and see what he thinks!

My techy kids!

My hypothetical kids were never going to watch TV, own computer games or have Mobile phones. My hypothetical kids would need nothing more that a good book and a bit of playdough. We certainly wouldn't be considering buying those hypothetical kids an ipod touch for their 3rd and 5th Christmas.

However, my real, breathing, demanding and digital kids are very different!

The TV is the 6th member of our family (they don't understand why he doesn't come on family days out with us) , the ipad is one of their toys and they laugh in the face of mobile phone security pins!

So these techy kids amazed me twice this week...

1) My Mum rang me up to tell me that after my 3 year old had been playing on her ipad, she recieved an email saying he add ordered a £90 electric fire from 1-click-to-buy amazon which would be delivered in the morning.

2) I had to explain to my 5yo that not everyone can pause live TV. And that unfortunately we are part of that few!

This led me to think of many future conversations I will have with my kids where they say "Shut up!" in disbelief (Essex accent optional)

1) "What? You had to go a Library? Why?"

2) "You couldn't pause live TV? What did you do if you needed a wee?"

3) "You wrote letters!"

4) " You had to start every Facebook update with 'is' "

5) "You didn't photoshop your pictures! You must have looked terrible"

6) "You didn't have a mobile till you were 18! How did you tell the time?"

7) "What? When mobiles first came out nobody texted?"

8) "You wrote your exams by hand!"

9) "You used money - wasn't that in the olden days"

10)  "What the hell is a pager?"

11) "Nokia? What's a Nokia?"

When Nokia Ruled the World!

But the truth is, this is the world they live! And the digital transformation means it is a world that revolves around them. Then can pause the television whilst they run up for a wee and not have to desperately hold on till an advert break! They can find any TV programme on the internet and watch till their heart's content. Any piece of homework is only a copy and paste click away!

I have to except this is part of their lives and that the digital world is only going to get faster! Cbeebies is only going to become a better babysitter, it may even provide digital snacks one day! And they will run with it, as I jog slowly behind. I guess my job isn't to prevent them having access, but to protect them whilst they do.

Anyway, back to the comedy...

Please make me laugh... tell me what your kids will be unable to believe about the world you grew up in!

She wore an itsy bitsy, teen weeny, mustard yellow, crochet-string, bikini

Two things happened this week.

1) I sat on the beach at the weekend, with my family, relaxing. The children played (ate sand, knocked over sandcastles and threw bombs stones in the sea) whilst I people-watched (discreetly as I was wearing sunglasses).

I happened to be taken by a lovely, boden-clad family. There were two Mums and 2 boys and a girl. I couldn't tell which child belonged to which, but that didn't matter. What was more interesting was that at first I couldn't tell what gender the children were. They were aged between 8 and 11 and all wearing beach shorts nothing on the top. It wasn't until the middle child took of a baseball cap and a mop of long hair was let loose that I realised she was in fact a girl.

How refreshing to see a young girl innocent, free and comfortable on the beach.

She reminded me of me. My younger self. This one...



Sporting the towelling stripey trunks. Think they may have even had a 'Y' on the front too.



Me, my grey knickers, my crisps and my ball!



Going topless in a dinghy

I never owned a "two piece" as a child. In fact I was under the belief that girls either got a swimming costume or trunks. I thought you could only get bikinis if ... you know <whispers> had boobs! This is because my Mum only ever bought us the bottoms, and in the earlier days when she couldn't find any for girls, as they didn't sell bikinis for babies then, she would put us in trunks.

She said we were happier in them. Which we probably were. The one summer she did by us a swimming costume for our  hols we spent the whole summer unstrapping them and rolling them down to our middle. Trendsetters that we were.

But she's right swimming costumes are uncomfortable and down right painful when sand is involved too.

When were about 8 and 9 we got given a binbag of "hand me downs" from  a second cousin. Amongst the usual dross we came across 2 bikinis - one green and pink! I begged my mum to let me wear one for my swimming-themed birthday party. Surprisingly she agreed; I emotionally blackmailed her saying it was the only thing I wanted for my birthday. However, the joy was short lived, because as soon as the wave machine came on the damn thing untied itself and floated away! Turned out my. mum had taken us to one of those feminist water-parks.



2) Jessica Simpson shared this picture of her daughter on live TV...



Maxwell looking comfortable and at ease in her two piece

Babies in bikinis! What is that all about? I thought we had hit ridiculous-celebrity-parenting- mecca with Suri Cruise and the high heels. But no, it seems to have got worse. And just like Suri and those sodding heels, I feel a parenting "trend" starting and it makes me feel a little sick.

Now, I don't have daughters, so you can shoot me down in flames because I don't know how hard a 4 year old girl will scream if you don't let them wear a pair of heels to a birthday party or school disco! But I'm pretty sure if my hypothetical daughter did my response would be: "Fine! You don't go."

There were things I begged my Mum for that I never got. A bikini, obviously, the Clarks shoes with a slight heel and a secret key hidden it (you know the ones) and a perm (thank god). And yes we probably kicked up a stink. My god some of my tantrums became urban legends amongst the townsfolk round here. But she still said no. Because all girls want to dress sup and pretend to be "grown-ups" but there is a place for that and it is in the same room as the dressing up box.  Because as parents we have the responsibility to make sure are children are safe, comfortable and, primarily, children.

The desire to over-sexualise young girls, and now babies, with adult clothing is something I cannot get my head round. Please for the love of god encourage them to be kids.  They have so many years ahead of them to battle with badly fitting bikinis and to struggle with walking in heels, for now just let them play at being grown ups. but the rest of the time, what's wrong with them looking and acting like children?

Plus, every girl I have seen totter into a birthday party in a pair of "Suri" heels has kicked them off within 2 minutes so they can run around with the other kids.  So they can do the things children really like doing: being free and unconstrained - from adult concepts as well as inappropriate adult clothing.

The bikini as an item of clothing is burdened with sexual connotations. The media uses the word "bikini" as a weapon: each summer it is a measure of which celebrity bodies are "bikini-proof". Our younger generation is being suffocated by a pressure to become part of an adult world too soon. A world that is saturated with body-image, sex and the pressure to "fit-in". How early are we introducing our children to this world? And how long are we going to let celebrities and the media dictate how we bring up our children?

For me, the one gift we can give are children for free is innocence and the longer they can enjoy it, the happier they will be as adults.

But if you disagree with me, you are in good company. This week the fabulous parenting role model Liz Hurley has bought out her own designer children's swimwear collection... IN LEOPARD PRINT!

Because Liz Hurley has just the wholesome image a children's clothing line needs.
 

Are we really allowing celebrities to set trends in parenting? People who are out of touch with the real-world, with real parenting issues and real children who need to be told the word "no". Where the sole aim is to desperately claw at some good publicity, and detract from the fact they haven't lost their baby weight and are being squeezed into a heavily structured, black dress for their TV reveal? (I'm talking Jess Simpson here) Really? *These people*

Just look at all the  fuss the Duchess of Cambridge has caused by removing her bikini top... How does your 5 year old feel about that? Couldn't care less? Wouldn't understand? Wouldn't want to or need to? Mine neither.

No Children Please!

Ok, so there are places that are appropriate for children and there are places that aren't.

We all know that.

I haven't taken my kids out clubbing with me (because the last time I went was 2002) or to theatre to watch Our Country's Good (also in 2002). But I wouldn't anyway. I rarely take them to a restaurant these days, unless it has a huge outdoor space when they can partake in some lungeing pony training  to tire them out before they are forced to sit still for 3 and half minutes.

But before I had kids you wouldn't have found me eating in Pizza Hut at 5.00pm.

Like I was saying, there are places you expect to find kids and places you don't.

And maybe I am out of touch, but two places I expect to find children is on aeroplanes and at weddings!

Before I had kids. I travelled A LOT more. We had holidays back then you see, real ones, where you go to another country - one that is hot! And do you know what? I can't remember there NOT being  a child on the flight. In fact, I think on every flight I had a small child in the same row as me. But I expected that. I expected them to be sat right next to me and scream the whole 4 hours. And if they didn't then it was a bonus.

But  if there was a noisy child  on the flight, do you know what I did? I put my ear phones on and I watched a film or played some music. And I didn't hear a thing. Simple.

I find the fact that an American couple, who were taking their twin boys on a  trip to visit their Grandparents, felt the need to provide "apology" gifts to the whole plane, absolutely ludicrous.

Here's the gift bag... some sweets, a sickly note written by over thoughtful Mum and dad, the twins, and ear plugs.



Only in America! Where you have to fly everywhere because it's massive!

Apparently the apology for reproducing "gifts" took ages to prepare... Which boils my piss even more as THEY have twins! How did they find the time? Just look after your babies. Every one else will cope. I'm sure they've heard worse.

So sorry folks, from now on we are all going to look like thoughtless bastards if we just show up at the airport with our kids. And if you do, you'll probably get some joker in a suit, sat in front of you, who says "Where's my present?" as soon as your child starts to whinge. It's ok, you have my permission to give him a bunch of fives!

I recently took a one hour flight with three kids. Four including my nephew, who was also on the flight. The kids were really well behaved on the plane, to be fair they ran riot round the airport but on the plane they were good. But still a jumped up, spotty student still felt the need to turn round and give me daggers every time my 8 month old babbled. Babbled. Not cried or screamed, he just babbled. If I hadn't been too busy giving out lollies, breast feeding, loading games on i pads, reading a book, colouring in and singing a nursery rhymes I would have stuck my middle finger up his upturned nostrils. But I was too busy ensuring my children were entertained. I was parenting. So, instead I wished him the worst fate I could think of. I wished him a colicky baby. Therefore, in the future when he was was pacing the streets in  the middle of night, begging for sleep, clawing at the edges of sanity, he would look back on that flight to Newquay and think "my God that women had a well-behaved baby. What an ignorant little cock I was?"

Which brings me nicely on to weddings...

Weddings? Yes weddings, that FAMILY occasion, where the FAMILY comes together to celebrate a couple who are statistically very likely to have children, if they haven't already.

 So with it being such a family occasion I cannot fathom why some people make it a"No children affair".

What are they afraid of? They might make a noise during a speech? Well at least someone will, chances are it's going to be naff anyway. They might not match with the colour scheme? They might have fun? Fart? Breathe?

Do you know what? I'm already bored of your wedding. I'm glad I'm not going.

Some people have said their parent guests asked them to make it "no children" - who are these people with unlimited baby sitters? And why did they have children? Was it purely because they felt left out because they couldn't shop in Mamas and Papas?

But it's their wedding, it's up to them. Just please don't send me an invite saying "No Children Affair" on it. Please don't expect me to face the guilt of asking someone to look after my 3 kids for a whole day AND night. And if by some miracle, I do find that angel, then please don't let me come to your "No Children Affair" to discover there are actually children there. The "special" children who are allowed to go, because they are under strict instruction not to be child-like  blood relatives. The ones who are bored shitless, because they are stuck with loads of pompous adults who don't want to interact with them. The ones who are having their playful souls ripped from their chests as they watch Uncle Knobhead get wankered.

My brother got married recently. We took our kids. So did everyone else who had them. In fact it was more of "please bring your children, and if you don't have any bring someone else's" kind of an affair.

And yes. I spent most of the day, along with The FH, running after them. It was hard work. Children are. I'm afraid that comes as part of the "having a family" package. It is hard work. But it was still good fun. We all had a cracking day. The kids especially. They loved it. And I am so glad that the experience wasn't taken away from them for fear of spoiling it for the grownups.