Lists (6) - Halloween

Lists - the spooky edition!

Sorry no pictures of my kids in Halloween costumes here. None on my phone, on my FB page or on twitter. Haven't even got one on instagram! Sorry. You know, because I bet you haven't seen enough pictures have you? I bet your Facebook News Feed is a Halloween drought isn't it?

Ok... I can rustle up one of our pumpkins, just for you, just because I know you are starved of spooky shots...

 

We call them Spooked, Narked and Wasted.

How was that? Better. Ok, let's continue with the post.

Things I love and hate about Halloween...

Love

1)  I just love a theme! I'm all about themes. I just like to know what is heart of something. Just tell me what we're basing it on and I'll go hell for leather with you. So Halloween's a good one then. You've got crafts, baking, parties, fancy dress, discos, all spooky. Easy I can do that. Apart from this year, as an extra child seemed to make it a push too far! But next year I'm going all out I can tell ya - like a bat outta hell.

2) Pumpkin Carving. So we have an annual pumpkin carving competition in our house. Me versus Him! And I love it... because being creative is my thing! The FH gets to beat me at every sport on the planet. I get "Arty Shit" it's how we work. Every year he refuses to admit my pumpkin is better, but it is!

This year the 5 year old joined in too. He designed it and The FH carved it for him (we are not mental, we didn't let him do that bit on his own). And this year I let twitter decide which one was the winner. Guess who they picked? Yeah the kid's. Wankers.

3) Giving. Not Taking! Do you know what my eldest son's favourite bit of Halloween is? Opening the door and giving out sweets. He doesn't even ask to have one himself. He just loves giving them out and saying "Happy Halloween" - how cute is he? Especially dressed up as a bat! He charms the scariest of them all!

Hate

1) Knocking on strangers doors. It's all a bit wrong isn't it. We're not there yet. Thank god. So I haven't had to endure that battle with them. But really knocking on stranger's doors? Do we have to? It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't mind if you want to come and knock on mine. We'll even have a tub of sweets waiting, but ask me to go out in the cold, dark October rain and knock on strangers doors. No I don't like the thought of that.

2) At the stroke of midnight on Halloween, Christmas will begin. For the big guns, the companies, the advertisers, all Halloween has become is a signal for Christmas commercialism to begin. November the 1st - the start of Christmas being rammed down your throat! Soon we'll be telling our kids "You know why you dress up on Halloween don't you? To ward off Christmas? Yes that's right, we do it to tell Christmas to fuck off for another 30 days and come back on December the 1st.

3) Taking, Not Giving. So yesterday we took the eldest and a couple of mates to a Halloween disco. One of the parents kindly gave us a fiver to buy some sweets for them all. We filled one of those pumpkin buckets with sweets from the tuck shop and they came and topped on sugar and ran round a dark hall intermittently. At one point  an acquaintance type parent type sat next to me. When she eyed the sweet tub she said "Have you already been Trick an' Treating?"
"No" I replied "We bought them here". She looked dumbfounded. A few moments later her son  came and asked for some money, she replied "I'm not paying for sweets here, when we can get them for free afterwards"

Lo and behold who should come knocking on my door later... Awkward!

Lists (5)

The Olympic One.

(Things I LOVED and  HATED about London2012)



Picture borrowed from here

I'm going all out on this one guys and doing an Olympic theme too.

Fuck it.

Yeah it's over and we had it shoved down our throats for like 7 years (actually, it was exactly seven years of throat shoving) but you know what I miss it and it was bloody good, so it deserves a blog, albeit a late one.

The point The FH stood up and did a
double handed wanking sign "Come On!"

LOVE

1 (Gold). I LOVED the opening ceremony. I loved that the rest of the world didn't get it. I loved that Danny Boyle flicked the V's at them and wrote a love story for us. I loved the theatre, the energy... The show.

I loved being Great. Great Fucking Britain. That's us right there, taking centre stage and doing it well.

2 (Silver). How well our female athletes did.

They totally stole the show.

To quote @victoriapeckham "isn't it amazing for young people to see women judged on what their bodies can do and not what their bodies look like"

And this isn't about women versus men. It is just about celebrating positive female influences. A little bit of hope shining out amongst the dreary, damp wag culture that is depressing our  country's daughters.

What a woman!

3 (Bronze).  Jessica Ennis.

Because she is a-maz-ing.

That last race, where she wasn't winning, the one she never wins, the one she didn't need to win. That last race where just wanted it. Where she just did it.

That's an Olympian.

4 (Fastest Loser). Exceeding expectations.

There's a quote on Facebook, that I'm sure you've all read. And if you haven't read it just click on that tosser friends Time line, the one who likes pictures of a baby and a dog cuddling with the caption 'dogs are family too' they'll have posted it somewhere. It goes something.like "Seven years ago they said we wouldn't get it, but we did. Four years ago they said..." Blah blah you get the idea. Anyway it's a bit cheesy and naff, but it's true. We all thought it was going to be shit, and there was a chance we could fuck up royally, especially with "flag-gate" at the first football match. But it wasn't.. It was really good. We did it. We finally exceeded expectations. Great Britain? Amazing Britain. That's us

That Geordie tosser who did us proud.

5 (Just Loser) And finally last on the love list is the Unity!

I just love it when it all comes together; it didn't matter if you were posh, a chav or from Wales - we were rooting for you!

Even that tosser from the North East who said he's been on the lash for 2 years then trained for 7 months (not exactly what Seb Coe meant when he said "inspiring the future generations"), but it didn't matter, because  if you were Team GB we cheered.

But thank god for those posh people eh? We are pretty good at Hoorah Henry sports aren't we?

HATE

1 (Gold).   How shit TV is now it's over.

I mean seriously, is this it for four years? Seriously? Even X factor isn't helping. In fact it's making it worse.

Alright so it's a bit of a cop out giving the number 1 spot on the hate list to it being over. But it's not that it's ended it's the gap it has left behind, a gap that is  not going to be easily filled with Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

2 (Silver)  Gary Linekar.

This guy? Really?

Stick to football Gary. Presenting the Olympics is just not your thing.

I mean, you won't get another opportunity anyway, to be honest you just cocked up your biggest ever presenting job. Which is a shame, because I do like you, but this one was a step too far for your tanned little face.

And if you have any doubts about this one just watch him  interviewing the Judo girl who got Silver, and if you get through it without cringing or screaming " Just Ad lib Gary...ADLIB!" then you are made of sterner stuff than me.

3. (Bronze) Miserable China.

 Ok, so everyone has a right to be a bit pissed off if you get silver, a mean they wanted Gold right? I get that. But still it's a medal, get over it. Smile. Even a fake one. Or just something other than dead pan. Please. And if you get gold, then why not cheer. Go on. I dare you.

4 (Fastest Loser). The dark side of success.

For example 8 years ago in Athens some one got a bronze. A bronze! Wow. Achievement. Success. How we revelled. How good it felt. Now. London 2012. Someone gets a bronze A bronze? Is that all? Bronze? Huh.

No room for Bronze on our front pages ...
Unless you are the Netherlands
Dressage Team ofcourse - The Daily Idiots!

But among our Golds The Daily Express did still make room for Bronze  medallists on their front page.. Only because they managed to print a picture of the Dutch Dressage Team instead of Team GB's Dressage Gold Medallists.

5 (Just Loser). Closing ceremony.

Ok, so it wasn't going to be as good as the opening ceremony, we knew that. But come on... A dinosaur singing Waterloo Sunset, Spice Girls wobbling on top of taxis and fucking One Direction on a haribo rush. 

Talk about going out with a bang! Unfortunately that bang was the noise of millions of televisions being switched off simultaneously.



Lists (4)



This weeks is based on phrases that I think people should use more or less.



My Dad, apparently sourced from here



Love (use more)

1. On any man who is elusively absent-"He's like Willo the Fucking Wisp"

2."What happens in the park, stays at the park" especially comforting after an incident with a runaway buggy... or two!

3. Bianca Butcher (Eastenders) on Olive Oil "What? It costs a fortune  and in the end you can't even taste it?" even though I am a huge fan of Olive Oil, she had a point,

4. "I've just embarrassed myself and I'm not even drunk" The story of my life as tweeted by @Get_mummy_a_gin I wish more people would join in with sober humiliation. It's a lonely place at times.

5. "Amazeballs", well it just is, isn't it?

Hate (use less)

1. Any phrase/update that includes the word "random", including FB photo albums titles

2."Bring it!" yep Jesse J you look like a wanker whenever you say it.

3. Slogans that appear on maternity wear. They are awful and should appear less, this was brilliantly summed up by Glosswatch

"Does my bump look big in this?, Under construction and, of course, the classic Baby on board. God, I feel furious just thinking about them. I hate, hate, hate them. Whose idea was this? Hey, let’s make a joke about the whole idea of “pregnant woman as mere vessel”! Hey, let’s not. Let’s just not."

Her fabulous blog is here: glosswatch.com

4."We're in this together"  MPs, especially of the Tory variety, needs to use this less. We are not in this together. There's you, and the lottery winners, up there, living in a bubble outside of reality, There's us, in the middle, who are quite pissed off about our increasing Tesco and petrol bills that are stopping us from spending money on holidays, new clothes and home improvements. And then there's the people below that who are having a REALLY shit time. We're talking breadline. BREADLINE? Remember that from school do you? It was in the history textbooks.

5. "Your back must be killing" or any other negative statement towards carrying a baby in a sling! What is wrong with you people? You act like you are annoyed I am not using a buggy? Would you rather I took up the whole pavement or supermarket aisle with my buggy? Does my space saving baby device irritate you? Or would you prefer him to be lonely and uncomfortable in a pram? Does his contentment push your buttons? His happy face infuriate you? Freaks.

More Lists

Lists (3)

This one is based on recent conversations:

Love

1. My Mum on people saying my brother looks like Nick Knowles: "This greatly upsets me"

2. "What's that noise?" Middle Child puts three words together. We can pretty much say that's a sentence. Yay for fully working ears!


4. The FH on Twitter "Why don't you go on that Twatter and talk to your virtual friends" (at which point I did!)

3. "Come on fat Viduka" Dad to the ever widening cocker spaniel. A throw back to when a very overweight Marc Viduka played for Middlesbrough. Made me chuckle!

5.. The FH on me being the only person breast feeding in a cafe full of mums and bottle fed babies "fucking weirdos". (Although I do love breast feeding, I strongly believe a mum has to be happy with how she feeds her baby. However, it warmed my heart that even though I was in the minority The FH found a Mum opting to bottle feed quite alien)

Hate

1. "I don't want to call you Mama anymore" Big Child after a boy at school said he was a baby "Ok" I replied fighting back sobs and the strong desire to go and unleash Hell on a four year old child!

2, "By  'eck you've lost some weight" a neighbour on my post-baby weight loss! An intended compliment... I think. But instead I was left thinking about what a heffer I had been!

3. "He will need glasses and have to wear them permanently" The Orthopaedic on Big Child's eyesight. I know it's not the end of the world, but if you had a choice, you'd give them 20/20 vision right?

4.  "Wow he's big. How much does he weigh?" Any idiot who implies my baby is too big. I should reply with "I don't know. How much do you weigh?"

5. "Oh <pissed off pause> right!"  The cold caller when I politely answered his question with "No it's not a convenient time. I have a toddler and a baby who both need my attention right now." His tone was pretty much what I'd expect if I just told someone my two year had keyed the paintwork on their brand new BMW, but this guy was just pissed off because he was now going to have to dial another number to pester someone else, I said bye and hung up, but what I should have said was:
 "I'm sorry that this is your job and you really need to get at least one person to agree to a loan today so your line manager doesn't give you ball-ache, but I have a baby with chicken pox who is only happy if he is velcro-ed to my nipple and a toddler that is intent of tipping everything that can be tipped upside down. Surprisingly, my priorities lie with my offspring, not with some jumped up little twat who is taking his job DIS-satisfaction out on me!"

Lists (2)

This week I...

Love
1. Sunglasses. 31 years old and they still make me feel "cooler"

2. Open air domestics - I've witnessed two this week. A chavvy mother chasing her chavvy mother through an extremely busy car park to hurl swear words at her, whilst her bewildered children followed narrowly avoiding being hit by cars. And...  A very posh couple arguing on the prom where the wife was repeatedly shouting "I'm an embarrassment?" at her cringing husband in her straight from finishing school shrill screech. For a nosey bugger like myself they were both fantastic!

3. This conversation between me and the FH: -

Him: I've decided what suit I'm getting for your brother's wedding?

Me: Oh yeah?

Him: Blue.

Me: Blue? BLUE??? What kind of blue?

Him: Not Trigger blue. Navy blue.

Me: Oh right yeah. I was SO thinking Trigger blue. Navy will be nice though.

4. Coffee cake

5. The baby's bronzed little face - factor 50 on and he turns Mahogany. Little rascal.

Hate
1. Pelican crossings that don't work. No lights. No peeps. It sends all 3 children into a frenzy and it's absolutely fucking impossible to get them across the road, especially as Fearless believes he is invincible.

2. That scream you do when you are really scared for your child's safety. Yes it is effective at scaring them senseless, so they will never do IT again, but when you do it unnecessarily, in public, you look like a bit of a tit.

3. Parents who call their children derogatory names. I know I am over sensitive and slightly very opinionated at times. But mean "name-calling" is just unnecessary. Life is hard enough as it is. At the park the other day I witnessed a Mum called her 2 year old a "dork" and a "duh-brain". Ok so it's not the "C" word (which I've heard) or calling them an "effing gay" because they cry when going to nursery (which I have also heard) but still... Not really going to help their self-esteem. Also parents who call their chubby babies "fatty" - In this society? Really? When everyone is so image obsessed? Is that child really going to make it to puberty without any weight issues? Come on people, share the hippy love!

4. Panic buyers. Have we not learnt the two simple rules yet: 1) Don't listen to the government, and...2) Panic buying just screws everyone over. I know, I'm wasting my time, no panic buyers will be reading this - they're all off down the shop stocking up on bread and milk because someone said it might snow next week!

5. The woman at playgroup* who has the longest, most shapely legs and is 8 months pregnant. She's probably never heard of swollen ankles and varicose veins. I hate her! And her leggings!



* Actually, shapely legged Mummy is a very nice, amiable and friendly person, but I am far too jealous of her to be rational!

Lists

This is my first "regular". When me and my sister were younger, childless and had time to kill (in boring jobs loosely linked to our desired careers), we would email each other lists of the 5 things we loved/hated that day! Back then our boyfriends were usually no 1, because that was how we rolled - all painted nails and gooey texts. Now I'm older, cynical and less needy its a given that the boys and The FH hit the top spot every-time. But my love list will include the 5 things I love beneath my family.

This week,  I...

Love
1. How my eldest had Chicken spots considerately - only 7 spots and never itched once.
2. My Mum and her unwavering support
3."New Girl" (have a bit of a Nick crush too).
4. The Easter Egg aisle at Sainsbury's - makes me dribble a little bit.
5. This blog post by @midwifetomum on smear tests: Pap


Hate
1. The Lurgi.In whatever form it comes; its slimy germ ridden fingers grabbing you from behind and taking you down!
2. The phrase "nom nom" to quote a friend on FB: Why would people use 'nom nom' as a phrase for eating? Unless you make that noise when you actually eat in which case, where are your table manners?
3. Hearing a baby cough. Not right.
4.That awkward moment when the delivery man wants to show you a video of his dogs on his iPhone, and you have to politely watch and pretend you are an animal person whilst feeling a little (a lot) uncomfortable about the whole thing.
5. Potty training.