Lists (3)

This one is based on recent conversations:

Love

1. My Mum on people saying my brother looks like Nick Knowles: "This greatly upsets me"

2. "What's that noise?" Middle Child puts three words together. We can pretty much say that's a sentence. Yay for fully working ears!


4. The FH on Twitter "Why don't you go on that Twatter and talk to your virtual friends" (at which point I did!)

3. "Come on fat Viduka" Dad to the ever widening cocker spaniel. A throw back to when a very overweight Marc Viduka played for Middlesbrough. Made me chuckle!

5.. The FH on me being the only person breast feeding in a cafe full of mums and bottle fed babies "fucking weirdos". (Although I do love breast feeding, I strongly believe a mum has to be happy with how she feeds her baby. However, it warmed my heart that even though I was in the minority The FH found a Mum opting to bottle feed quite alien)

Hate

1. "I don't want to call you Mama anymore" Big Child after a boy at school said he was a baby "Ok" I replied fighting back sobs and the strong desire to go and unleash Hell on a four year old child!

2, "By  'eck you've lost some weight" a neighbour on my post-baby weight loss! An intended compliment... I think. But instead I was left thinking about what a heffer I had been!

3. "He will need glasses and have to wear them permanently" The Orthopaedic on Big Child's eyesight. I know it's not the end of the world, but if you had a choice, you'd give them 20/20 vision right?

4.  "Wow he's big. How much does he weigh?" Any idiot who implies my baby is too big. I should reply with "I don't know. How much do you weigh?"

5. "Oh <pissed off pause> right!"  The cold caller when I politely answered his question with "No it's not a convenient time. I have a toddler and a baby who both need my attention right now." His tone was pretty much what I'd expect if I just told someone my two year had keyed the paintwork on their brand new BMW, but this guy was just pissed off because he was now going to have to dial another number to pester someone else, I said bye and hung up, but what I should have said was:
 "I'm sorry that this is your job and you really need to get at least one person to agree to a loan today so your line manager doesn't give you ball-ache, but I have a baby with chicken pox who is only happy if he is velcro-ed to my nipple and a toddler that is intent of tipping everything that can be tipped upside down. Surprisingly, my priorities lie with my offspring, not with some jumped up little twat who is taking his job DIS-satisfaction out on me!"

Things I no longer like as much as I used to...

Jonathon Ross - Was it the massive balls up at the BBC? Or is it just like many men before him, he has stopped being funny. I don't know. But either way, I used to quite like him and now I cannot stick the guy.

Fireworks - as teenagers there was always one girl shrieking and shrilling on bonfire now. There was always on playing the damsel-in-distress-card; quivering behind some spotty teenage boy clad in puffer and hair parted in curtains. Yeah, they were annoying. Nearly as annoying as that pathetic thirty-something woman who was genuinely scared and physically wincing as the rockets threatened to erupt. Well guess what? Now I am woman. I can only assume it's a side effect from childbirth or something, but take me to watch fireworks and I will physically shrivel to the ground, cowering behind my hands in case they land on my face.... WTF???

Sneezing when driving - When I was 18 and it happened I was like all smiley and laughing "Oh my god, that's soooo dangerous" then carry on chewing gum and singing to The Beautiful South. Now I am "Oh My God! That is SO dangerous" Clutch steering wheel. Check mirror to see all children are in seat belts. Turn music off. Focus.

Topshop - I feel if I even dared to walk through the sliding doors I'd set this klaxon off "AN OLD PERSON HAS COME THROUGH THE DOOR. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TURN HER AROUND AND SEND HER IN THE DIRECTION OF DOROTHY PERKINS"

Loud Music - It's just SO loud.


Oh dear, just read over this post, did I turn 32 or 52 last week? 

The 11th of April

It's my birthday! Today I turn 32. I shouldn't be blogging on my birthday; but 2 things are keeping us inside; the April Showers that patter against the window and I'm impatiently awaiting the delivery of my new phone.

So here's my birthday post. Interesting facts about the 11th of April according to me.

• I like the number 11. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's my favourite number. I like the way it looks, I like that it's two ones together. I just like it
• I think April is the prettiest name for a month. So much so it was always on my baby girls' names list.
• The best things happen in spring, including birthdays
• Nine years ago today the FH asked me out.
• You can never predict the weather on April the 11th; sometimes we're celebrating in the sun, sometimes in the snow
• This day nearly always falls in the Easter holidays
• For 32 years my Mum and Sister have been ensuring I am spoilt rotten on this day.
• Once in a pub, when it just turned midnight, someone poured a pint over my head. It was deserved.
• I've only met one other person who shares my birthday
• If you're born on this day you are an Aries, I am a typical Aries woman. On a good day, positive, friendly and energetic; on a bad, childish, moody and self-absorbed 
• Last year, on this day, I was pregnant, but had no idea
• The best birthday party I ever had was when I turned 10! It was a disco, I invited my whole year group, Mum made hotdogs and I rocked it on the dance floor!
• Between the ages of 17 - 27 I can't really remember what I was doing on this day
• You are never too old for candles

And finally, my birthday wishes for today are...

• Not having to change my outfit due to baby sick *looks at little child*
• Not having to clean up a smashed plate/vase/toy/other breakable item *looks at middle child*
• Not having to wipe away any tears *looks at biggest child*
• To bag the lotto jackpot *looks at The FH*

I think I have chosen equally fair challenges for each of them... go forth birthday fairies and make my wishes come true!

The best things in life are... Simple

There are some things in this world, that appear so simple, but really are pure genius. How did we ever cope without them?

So you can keep your iphones, the Internet and Sky+... Here's the best three inventions EVER!


Heinz and their amazing alternatives to the can...

Firstly, both of the following remove the need of a tin opener, even though most brands use that push and pull thing now, I still manage to cock that up on a weekly basis and have to revert to an old school tin opener, which usually results in the F word making an appearance.

The snack pot - so simple, so perfect. Why were they not invented when I was a student? When I was eating for one, mainly from a microwave? However, I can't complain as a parent they have come into their own; perfect for the boys to share, so easy, no mess, minimal washing up, just the right amount, blah, blah, blah, love, love, love.

The plastic jar thing with the lid - you know, the one with the advert where they put baked beans in all sorts of inappropriate containers and the juice dribbles over the edge and makes you feel a little bit sick. Well, beyond that there is a jar with a lid, allowing you to take as much or as little as you need, without having to feel guilty about leaving a half-opened can in the fridge, open to the elements and all sorts of bacteria. Then a week later praying you cook them for long enough to burn off toxins. Or just chucking them, like I do, and starting all over again and constantly having a reminder of how wasteful you are every time you  open the fridge and see decaying bean juice on the crusty can.  This way, you just open the lid, take a spoonful out and screw the lid back on. Simple.



Handles on suitcases...

 Did we really carry suitcases? Did we? Across train stations? Airports? Through hotels? Around cities?Really?

Did That woman at King's Cross, the one in a pencil skirt, once upon time, have to CARRY her over-night case? How did she strut without her extending handle and suitcase wheels? How did she cope?

Baby Wipes...

Ok so as wiping babies' bums go they are pretty good. Let's just say they get the job done. But it's how damn useful they every where else that makes them pure genius. Sometimes I wonder what I did before baby wipes were in my life. W"hat did I use... To get dried red wine off the wooden floor? To take my make-up off? To dust? To get toothpaste off a black top? To clean dog-poo off a shoe? To wipe ice cream off The FH's  shaved head? To clean a muddy slide? Clean the rear-view  mirror? Wipe-clean a birthday card? Clean mascara stained cheeks? Remove something unsightly from a park bench/train seat/cafe table? Use a public lav?

And that was just today, tomorrow there will be another Twenty things I've used baby wipes for.



So, for the love of God, could someone please re-invent the DVD...

DVDs - Invincible huh? Isn't that what the CD and its sister product the DVD were first marketed as? Well, we never needed to replace videos... To date I have replaced 9 Toy Story DVDs. I just have to sneeze near one and it is scratched beyond use. I currently own over 80 children's DVDs that are unusable. Too many, that I can't even face sorting through them to decipher which ones still work. Can we please reinvent the DVD wheel?

A letter to my big toe...

Dear Mega-Toe,

It appears you have a strong gene, as we have come to the conclusion, that not one, but all three, of our children have their very own Mega-Toe.

Of course the FH is a little upset about this, but I suggest we continue as we always have, by ignoring him.

I think during the past nine years we have got very good at it.

I know it hasn't been easy, for you in particular; his constant jibes, his inability to show any affection towards you and that look of disgust that creeps over his face if you got too close to him. But your composure and indifference have been nothing short of admirable.

And for the record Mega-toe, you are not a square. He is completely exaggerating when he says you are as wide as you are high! Granted, you are bigger than the average big toe, but a square you are not.

Anyway, it appears you have got the last laugh as you have made your mark on his offspring. And just think in a few years time, those little Mega-toes will be BIG mega-toes... Bigger than he could ever have imagined... Mwha ha ha ha ha!

Yours lovingly

The rest of me!




NB: I wrote a letter on the blog before here: "Dear Family Car Spaces". However, I have been inspired to write more letters after reading Letters from Ladycurd - they are very funny. Who knows? This may even become a regular feature, but  then again it may not, as I am a lazy-arse after all.

Lists (2)

This week I...

Love
1. Sunglasses. 31 years old and they still make me feel "cooler"

2. Open air domestics - I've witnessed two this week. A chavvy mother chasing her chavvy mother through an extremely busy car park to hurl swear words at her, whilst her bewildered children followed narrowly avoiding being hit by cars. And...  A very posh couple arguing on the prom where the wife was repeatedly shouting "I'm an embarrassment?" at her cringing husband in her straight from finishing school shrill screech. For a nosey bugger like myself they were both fantastic!

3. This conversation between me and the FH: -

Him: I've decided what suit I'm getting for your brother's wedding?

Me: Oh yeah?

Him: Blue.

Me: Blue? BLUE??? What kind of blue?

Him: Not Trigger blue. Navy blue.

Me: Oh right yeah. I was SO thinking Trigger blue. Navy will be nice though.

4. Coffee cake

5. The baby's bronzed little face - factor 50 on and he turns Mahogany. Little rascal.

Hate
1. Pelican crossings that don't work. No lights. No peeps. It sends all 3 children into a frenzy and it's absolutely fucking impossible to get them across the road, especially as Fearless believes he is invincible.

2. That scream you do when you are really scared for your child's safety. Yes it is effective at scaring them senseless, so they will never do IT again, but when you do it unnecessarily, in public, you look like a bit of a tit.

3. Parents who call their children derogatory names. I know I am over sensitive and slightly very opinionated at times. But mean "name-calling" is just unnecessary. Life is hard enough as it is. At the park the other day I witnessed a Mum called her 2 year old a "dork" and a "duh-brain". Ok so it's not the "C" word (which I've heard) or calling them an "effing gay" because they cry when going to nursery (which I have also heard) but still... Not really going to help their self-esteem. Also parents who call their chubby babies "fatty" - In this society? Really? When everyone is so image obsessed? Is that child really going to make it to puberty without any weight issues? Come on people, share the hippy love!

4. Panic buyers. Have we not learnt the two simple rules yet: 1) Don't listen to the government, and...2) Panic buying just screws everyone over. I know, I'm wasting my time, no panic buyers will be reading this - they're all off down the shop stocking up on bread and milk because someone said it might snow next week!

5. The woman at playgroup* who has the longest, most shapely legs and is 8 months pregnant. She's probably never heard of swollen ankles and varicose veins. I hate her! And her leggings!



* Actually, shapely legged Mummy is a very nice, amiable and friendly person, but I am far too jealous of her to be rational!

A tale of two bombers.

I was all set to write a blog post about the sleepy little seaside town in which I live, but the national press beat me to it... TWICE!

Our little town is very creative; art galleries reign supreme here! I like to think of it as the St Ives of the north.

But being a quirky little town it creates some quirky people - well that's being polite - most of us are bonkers!

We have good bonkers and we have bad bonkers. Which leads me to the title  -'A tale of two bombers'

One is an actual real bomber! In OUR little town? Really? Well, that's what the police thought and the bomb squad, the two helicopters, the special police men that have guns (we had them too) and the huge crowd peering down from behind the red and white tape... it was pretty spectacular stuff! But, alas, the "crazy woman" in a  hijab, with a rucksack, was just a bit confused (we think) and there was no real damage done. Apart from on the likes of facebook where facebook morans were posting things like "daft cow, probably just got some chuddy, ten Lambert and  tammy in her bag". ~This did make me laugh solely because I hadn't heard the word "tammy" since I was thirteen!

But, unfortunately in these times "tip offs" about possible suicide bombers need to be taken seriously, and I'm grateful the police didn't say "What in Saltburn? Doubt it?" and carried on dotting "i"s and did take it seriously. Their quick reactions made me feel safe. However, I don't think my sister's neighbour, taking her baby onto the beach for the first time ever, would agree, as she was frog marched off by a policeman in a helmet, bullet-proof vest and carrying a gargantuan firearm.

That was bad bonkers, an unusual event that caused a big commotion in a sleepy town. Which was a bit unfortunate as OUR little town had just been hitting the news for a much more favourable reason.
Let me tell you about good bonkers. We have a mystery knitter. Yes you heard me. Someone who knits things and posts them around the town anonymously. We've seen scarves around lamp posts, knitted teddy bears on picnic tables and knitted books outside the library. But the big one, the creme de la creme, the one you might just have seen in the news was the 50 yard masterpiece along the pier to celebrate the 2012 Olympics.

I stole borrowed these pictures from these pictures from the mail online (above) and the telegraph (below), because every time I've popped down to take my own  its been so busy I couldn't get a decent shot! It's like queuing to see the bayeux tapestry down there.

It's a pretty special collection of knitting, and I'm very glad the mystery knitter is gracing our town with their work. Our very own yarn bomber, the type of bomber I welcome with open arms, that's definitely a good kind of bonkers!